What do we do when it doesn’t work out?

Sometimes things just don’t work out the way we think they will, so what do we do when it doesn’t work out? 

I had a recent scenario where a highly anticipated partnership that I’d been fostering for months seemed like it was going to finally take off.  The excitement was running, I was getting engaged, I’d even started doing work for this client for free because I was that excited to be moving forward.   We were still in negotiations, and they’d asked me to send over an updated proposal.  We had a great conversation at that request and I thought that we were aligned for further negotiation. So, I sent over the offer, did 3 additional days worth of work and then I received an email. “In light of the fact that we still seem to be misaligned on the expectations of the role, I suggest that we forgo any further work together.”  This threw me for a loop and made the blood rise to my face. 

I truly didn’t understand how we could be misaligned when we’d spent 6 weeks aligning.  So, I sat down and figured up how much work I’d done so far, what work I’d planned to get done this week, and also the offer that I sent over.   I just didn’t understand how it was misaligned.  Needless to say, I felt hurt.  In part because I had spoken with the team just three days before I sent the letter and we’d had a long discussion on where things were at and where we were going. I’d identified next steps and shared my challenges and had asked for their support.  I really thought we were in a good place. 

Intuition in Business

During this entire process, I went with my gut or my “authority” which is what you learn about in Human Design. Your ‘authority’ in human design is the way that you are designed to make decisions.  I’ll have you know that I am a sacral manifesting generator.  My Authority is “sacral” which means I let people ask me questions and allow my gut move energy up and out of my mouth for a yes or no response.  Even with out others, I will craft a “To-Do” list and go down the list trying to decide what I want to work on.  “Yes” lets work on that, or “No” I don’t feel like that right now.  

So, back to this client. I was in my element with this work, so I was saying yes all over the place.  I logically knew that I shouldn’t be doing work for free, or agreeing to things without seeing a contract first.  Additionally, when talking with my friends, I was told that I needed to beware. Despite that, I ignored my friends, trusted myself, and carried on.  Which ideally we are doing.  Trusting ourselves.  I was confident that if I just trusted myself and kept moving that it would all work out the way it was supposed to. Genuinely, I wasn’t overly concerned with what this client chose to do, or chose not to do.  I was looking forward to working with this team, doing the work, and setting them up for success and my energy was through the roof. 

My approach: while we got all of the details worked out, I was going to do the best I could and trust that people were looking out for me like I was looking out for them. 

Blindsided and Betrayed

So, this email felt like a betrayal from my blind side.  After everything that I’d been through with that client, and then everything that we’d just talked about a week before that, it felt like it came out of left field. I shared my thoughts back with the client, gave them the feedback of my perspective and why I felt we may have been mis-aligned, and then I sat with it. 

A few months ago I took a class from Saffron Bagally and the Personal Mastery Lab on the Enneagram.  I learned that I am a lead type 8 on the enneagram.  What I love about how Saffron teaches the enneagram, is that she teaches it around our motivations and woundings that cause us to react, feel, and behave.  We talk about the DRIVERS to behavior, not about the judgements within the behavior.  So, just a few months ago, I learned that when I am ready to go all in for people, and they don’t seem to be open to doing the same, I feel betrayed. 

Knowing that and observing this over the previous few months, I was able to sit with the emotions of this situation.  Not with judgement or with a need to “fix” it, but with an acceptance.  I felt betrayed, I felt hurt, like I’d been stabbed in the back, and I felt grief for what I’d been looking forward to.  And I had grief for the opportunity that had seemingly slipped out of my hands, and grief for the life I saw for my future.  I was in pain.  

Coping

Another thing I’d learned from Saffron is that as an Enneagram 8, I have a tendancy to deny my emotions and my body.   I go to my head space.  So when I felt that I’d done my due diligence in embracing the pain and letting my tears flow, I realized that I really was shocked and confused.  I needed to see if my perceptions were flawed or if I’d missed something.   I went back through our emails, my meeting notes, my work that I’d done so far, the strategy, and the assessments. 

After i got over the initial shock, hurt and frustration… I went to my logic space.  I looked at it from every angle I could think of and decided that if we really were mis-aligned, that it was a good thing that one of us walked away now. With all of the data, the information, the work, the hours and hours I’d already put in, imagine that I’d stayed long term.   

Reflecting

Then, when I really started to reflect, I could recognize that I was enjoying the work and I could see that there were some situations that had made me start to feel a bit like I was not going to be appreciated with this client. What’s more is that the more I would discuss aspects and complexities with people in my close circle the more I would get feedback to beware.

Feedback that the arrangement sounded suspicious and that it sounded as if they weren’t really wanting to make a deal, but rather get free work. This was frustrating but didn’t sound aligned with my main contacts personality. He came refered to me by a good friend who has given me some great referrals and some important connections.  Regardless of intentions and the integrity of the situation one way or another and regardless of the fact was that while I was pumped for what I was doing, we weren’t actually aligned for long term partnership.

More disappointment 

When I realized that we weren’t aligned to move forward, I also realized that I had known that all along.  While I was following my authority, the logical part of me and the heart part of me had known that it wasn’t the perfect fit.  I became a little disappointed in my self, feeling naive, or “stupid” for entertaining something that I knew wasn’t going to work anyway.  The diappointment in myself and the grief in the time I’d spent, that felt wasted at this point, was palpable. 

I cried some more to my significant other, and to a good friend and made an action plan to never let this happen again. I drafted an invoice for this client for the work I’d already done.  Which made me feel a big hurt in my heart because I realized I’d done over seventeen thousand dollars of work for this client.  In a time where my family and my business can use those funds, I am not sure I’ll get paid anything for my time. After all of this, I was beginning to feel tightness in my neck, and the pain from my chest had traveled to my head.   I needed a nap. 

The next 24 hours

When I woke up from my nap, I felt infinetely better.  Its as if my body understood that all was okay, I was safe, and while I’d felt betrayed, it was a feeling and not necessarily the reality of the situation.  Whats more is that after I got up the next morning I realized that all of the disappointment, frustration, hurt, betrayal and self doubt that I’d experienced, while valid, were not an accurate reflection of the situation.  I felt through all of those emotions the day before which meant now I could lean into my truth.

When it doesn’t work out the way you were attempting to manifest it, it can really foster self-doubt.  However, just because it didn’t work out the way you thought it would, doesn’t mean that it didn’t work out the way you were needing it to.  Manifesting with purpose and authority means that you have to trust yourself enough to know that you may not always have the answers in that moment, but that you’re always operating in your highest good.  The 24 hours that followed that initial email gave me such incredible perspective shifts that I felt I had to share with you.

A few other insights

These 10 solid revelations about this situation were insights into the terms of intuition, the falsity of imposter syndrome, the power of knowing your worth, and what it means to work in your alignment and for your greater purpose.  These are, and must be, some fundamental keys to understanding the foundations to all of this… So, I’ll share it. 

I also want to preface the following by saying, I may get into the weeds around some subjects you aren’t familiar with.  I don’t expect you to know everything there is to know here, but I want to give you the baseline in case you’re not familiar.  If you want more details, feel free to book a call with me. If you know what I’m talking about – skip over the italicized information for a speedier time. 

Working in alignment, in authority and in purpose.

So, I started Perspective Shifting, LLC in 2018 because I knew that my super power was tactfully and lovingly sharing perspectives with people that made an impact on them as people, their abilities to be successful, and even with businesses.   I knew that my purpose was to use this “power” for good.  I also knew that ‘with great power came great responsibility’ so I worked tirelessly to figure out how to make it all work. 

In 2021 someone introduced me to Human Design, where I got the most VALIDATING information about myself that I have ever receieved in my life.  If you’re not familiar with Human design I’m happy to run your chart, and you can book that service here.  But I’ll tell you a bit about my own type so that I can share with you how this experience actually proved to me that if I’m operating from my authority, that I’m always operating in alignment and for my higher purpose. 

5/1 Mainfesting Generator

with Sacral Authority – LAX of Industry

If you know what that means, skip ahead, If you’re looking at the subtitle to this section going “what the what now?” I’ll quickly explain. The 5/1 is the profile.  5 is conscious and we are more aware of that element of our profile and the 1 is subconscious which means we tend to be less aware that it’s happening.  5/1s are called Heretic Investigators AND Karmic Mirrors.  We can typically walk into a situation with anyone and it doesn’t really matter what we do or say, that person will think what they want to think.  We reflect back to them what they need whether that’s good or bad. And when this is conscious, we can recognize that other people need things from us in that moment and we can adjust quickly and easily to deliver what they need. 

Sometimes what we need is not always what we want.  The uncscious 1 line means that before I deliver you what you need I need to really investigate all of the elements of things.  I dig deep, research, ask questions, relfect, research some more, take a class, double check what I think I know.  So if I come to you with a reflection, rest assured that reflection is well thought out. Again, what I share may not always be well received, or appreciated and it may get me figuratively ‘burned at the stake’, but It’s ALWAYS well thought out. Besides, I’d go to the stake anyway for what I say when I’m in that space.

A little more about me

I’ve come to think of myself as a bit of a bridge with some blueprinted needs for grounding supports.  Manifesting Generators are part manifestor (brilliant initator who puts things into motion.) and part generator (the determined energizer bunny.) Some people have told me that Manifesting Generators will often have a ton of projects that they’re working on and that some of them don’t even need to be completed. We create projects just to get rid of some of our energy, and I don’t think I’d identified with a statement more at any other part of my life. 

At the core of the manifesting generator is still the need to “respond” to life.  We need to inform and then respond to situations.  With my sacral authority, it means my sacral chakra will actually create the need for energy to expend (or not) on response of a yes or no question.

With my 1 profile, my no response may also come if I need more information or clarification. I’ve been able to feel this reaction internally, some people say that it’s not a feeling, just an auditory sensation. However, I’d been conditioned for so long to “think before I speak” AND that “no” was not something you said to people you respected and I had to re learn to trust myself. I had to learn to feel my sacral energies, as they happened, to observe them so I knew when it was my sacral response and when it was the years of conditioning.  

My Purpose

I’m not going to explain my Incarnation cross (that spot that’s there with the LAX of Industry) in part because that’s a whole other can of worms, but also because i knew my purpose before I found this part and my incarnation cross just confirmed that.   I had been working with leaders for several years before I found human design.  The topic of our conversations and discussions from a leadership development stand point were things like having empathy for employees who were struggling, stepping into their confidence and their authenticity, moving from imposter syndrome and into a profound respect for their gifts and their strengths.  This work is all outlined in the LAX of industry, but It’s all cemented around the idea that the process of Perspective Shifting is powerful.  It’s my belief that the process of perspective shifting can and will change the entire world. 

So, coming back to the main part of this post – around knowing how it works out for us even if it doesn’t feel like it is working out for us. Knowing my purpose – of shifting perspectives  – helps me to understand that my purpose will help the world shift into a place where people can be more empathetic and authentic and respecting each others gifts and strengths. It helps me to adjust my own perspective when things like this happen. 

Putting it all together 

So my authority – saying yes… plus my purpose (being a karmic mirror and helping people shift their perspectives to change the world) and knowing the skills and strengths I have that bring value to others helped me to stay true to myself in this situation.   Initially I thought that I had disappointed myself by not listening to guidance… by not thinking before I acted.   I thought that I’d been betrayed and I thought that I had wated time.  The truth is, that I did none of those things.  I may not have gotten the stability and the pay out of this opportunity that I’d wanted, but I did get some other things.

The energy and focus

1) I needed to prioritize other projects and efforts in my life into an organized and thought out plan. But I’d been neglecting to do this because I had all of this energy and I also was procrastinating on things that didn’t sound exciting.   I didn’t realize that this project gave me the urgency and the pressure to get organized in other areas of my life.  I also didn’t realize that it also gave me the opportunity to expend some of the excess creative energy that I needed. 

2) Expending that energy and getting organized allowed me to create a flywheel of forward motion.  There is other definition in my human design chart that indicates that I need to work to rest…(The defined Will center) I wasn’t working to the point of sleep – so I wasn’t sleeping well. Which, in turn, meant that I wasn’t able to keep a sustained amount of energy.  The work I did with this client gave me the opportunity to get TIRED and then to get REST and then to Recharge my batteries. It sounds counterintuitive to others, but I promise that this is the way I’m designed. The work I did may not have seemed to serve the purpose I consciously had for it, but it most definitely served my purpose of making shifts for myself and others and for amplifying my abilities in my own business.

The ability to shift perspectives

3) Sharing with the owner of that company all of the information I knew about sales, what was needed for an good organization, why I was passionate about leading the way I did, why training and development was so important to what a leader does for their team…  That seemed to fall on deaf ears based on the email that he sent me.  But I have faith that, at some point, what I’ve said and most likely what he will experience when he tries to do this without me or someone like me, will come together to shift his perspective for the betterment and the success of his teams. 

4) Pushing back to him at the end about why I wrote up the proposal that I did, and what additional information he could have provided to help the process will shift his perspective.  Again, he may not have liked what I had to say, and may choose to never work with me again – but I would like to think that from now on, when he’s considering hiring someone outright or asking them to do a project, he’ll provide additional guidance on the scope and budget so that they can negotiate in good faith.   I know that this perspective shift will help him and hopefully others like me in the future. 

Feelings around betrayal and disappointment.

This morning I worked with the Wisdom Seekers and Richard and Wendy who do time sweeps.  I love these sessions because they help me tap into my intuition and release ideas that don’t serve me.  I lucked out that Michelle and I had some synergy in the prior 24 hours and needed to focus on similar things.  Here’s what came up around my feelings around betrayal and disappointment. 

5) There’s a difference between a conscious gift & being persuaded, manipulated, or conditioned into people pleasing.  I consciously did this work knowing there was a chance that this person may not make good faith efforts to ensure I was compensated.  To deny the fact that I knew that would be a lie.  While I had hoped that it would be different, I knew that it might not, and I consciously gave the gift of my time and energy because I WANTED to. 

6) While I had my doubts, I trusted that this person was trustworthy and was not someone I had to worry about.  My friends were worried about me and questioned if I was being manipulated or if the client would try to avoid paying me. When everything happened it felt like they were right, which made me feel naive and stupid.  The truth was though, that the project held my attention long enough for me to confirm my own worth, to test the waters, to expend some energy, and to keep going in general.  My “authority” was working with divine timing and focusing my efforts where they needed to be in the time they needed to be there. 

Knowing your worth

7) So one of the reasons I started down the path of this opportunity was because it was in my zone of genius, but even more importantly, it served a perceived “need.”  I needed captial both for my business and my family.  I felt that I needed it. When I reflected on the word “need” this morning I relalized that the word need describes something that is essential and important. 

Many people in the world would argue that money is a need – because it serves the purpose of getting a multitude of other things that we do need. However, the revelation that I had this morning is that money has never been a need… not for any of us. It’s a means to an end.. its a tool to get what we need, but it’s not the only tool.   Additionally, when I look at where I am now, versus where I’ve been in my life, it is obvious to me that I have everything that is essential and important to me in this moment. 

Letting Go of Conditioning

8) My conditioning around what other people felt I needed has been keeping me trapped in cycles… Cycles of lowering my worth because other people perceive me as being “too big” (which is exactly what I had been doing for 6 weeks with this client – slowly chipping away at my worth to try to land the client. Not wanting to back out of an agreement or to be “full of myself.”) Saying yes to this experience and not lowering my value beyond what was within integrity for me, taught me that I do, in fact, know my worth and that I am in the full authority of compromising when I WANT to.  It cemented the confidence that I had in myself, released the imposter syndrome, and it instilled additional faith in the fact that I can trust myself.  

Compassion, Empathy, and Grace

9) I tell my kids to trust themselves, I am learning how to do the same. Part of that means that sometimes when we agree to things that feel right at the time, later they may not feel the same way, and we need to be okay with walking away from things that don’t serve us, even if we originally agreed to things. There is absolutely a tactful way to remove yourself from a situation, and that’s a learning process for my kids, and for me.

With that said, That is all my client did.  He just changed his mind.  It felt so abrasive to me because I wanted a different outcome, but the truth was that he changed his mind.  If I want people to extend grace to my kids and to myself for trusting ourselves, being able to change our mind, and to step back from something that isn’t in integrity with our intuion… then I must also extend grace to others who are doing the same thing. 

What would you have told them to do?

10) This all leads back to morality being subjective.   The idea that what we think is right and wrong or good and bad is subjective.  If he had been my coaching client, I may have told him, “Listen, cut your loses, if it doesn’t feel like the right thing, and you’re experiencing hesitation, your gut is telling you “no” or you are allowing it to consume your brain over and over again, then you need to send them a message and let them know that you are not going to continue negotiations and feel it’s best to go your separate ways.   

I can’t pretend to know what was going on for this client or his company. However, I suspect I only got the information that seemed to be suited to their needs, but I can put myself into a different perspective.  I can imagine that if things weren’t sitting right, he simply did what was best for his company and his staff.  While Its disappointing and it stung, I can’t fault him for doing the right thing for him when that is what I would tell anyone I cared about, loved, or worked with to do the same thing.  

When it doesn’t work out… 

When things dont work out… we can choose to deny the hurt, and the pain, and the grief, and the disappointment and trade those for anger… or we can feel through it.  Feeling crappy about a situation when it doesn’t work out the way you want, is understandable. Feeling those things and then showing yourself empathy, compassion, and grace does not have to exist in a different space from the faith that things will work out the way they are intended and designed. Even if not exactly how you wanted.   You are allowed to feel your pain deeply and also feel relieved, or feel a profound and irrational faith in yourself that everything will be okay.