What is Emotional Judgment?
Emotional judgment is really a perception of different emotions based on our own experiences. It happens when we experience an emotion (either through ourselves or others) and we make a determination or come to a conclusion based on that judgment.
It doesn’t have to be shared outside of ourselves to be considered emotional judgment. Obstacles are created by emotional judgment. It doesn’t matter if it’s a judgment of ourselves or of others. One example of emotional judgment that I can give is the “positive” and “negative labels we use in emotional judgment. Oftentimes, those who are trained to facilitate healing and help are still grappling with emotional judgment. And usually under the guise of discernment. Between their own experiences, client experiences, societal conditioning, and professional training, they have a belief that some emotions are good and that some are bad.
How emotional judgement hinders our ability to help others.
We miss the depression behind the smiles. We’re taught to believe that emotions are bad or good. There are plenty of emotional responses that make someone smile. Fear responses can make people smile. We fawn for the acceptance of others and, if someone has lived a life of emotional trauma, they may learn to flip their emotions to a more socially acceptable option to appease the people around them. People are conditioned that sadness, anger, and non-expression are “bad,” their emotional responses can become blurry. You can witness smiles when someone attempts to shield others from their “negativity.” It’s why the term gaslighting has come to light. Because a harmful statement can become a complicated situation when someone says, “It’s just a joke.” It’s tough for people to know how to respond.
In the coaching and mental health industry, there is a lot of focus on staying positive. That’s for good reason. Neuroplasticity is the science behind re-wiring our brains. We know that we can shift our neuropathways to seek out the good things in our lives. We can shift our beliefs and prove to ouselves that we’re happy. Unfortunately, we have effectively learned how a whole society can be gaslit into believing that emotions are positive and negative. That being “negative” is a danger, and that someone just needs to look for the silver lining.
I’ve come to believe that this practice can be detrimental to a client’s recovery and their ability to cope with life events. It gives them a judgment to their emotions effectively telling them “You shouldn’t feel this way.” It effectively “stuffs and fluffs” their emotions. “Stuff and fluff” Is my way of describing how we stuff our emotions down and then fluff ourselves up with toxic positivity.
The truth is that things happen – period.
“Bad things happen to good people” doesn’t mean that bad things happen because you’re a good person. It doesn’t mean that being a good person should make it so that bad things don’t happen. The truth is that, depending on your perspective, “bad things” are only bad because you perceive them to be. Objectively, you are just a person… living your life. The things that happen to you and around you are neither good, nor bad… they just are. Your feelings, beliefs, and emotions that come up in response to that event are what dictate your percepetion. Your perception includes the judgment of whether it was “good” or “bad.”
For example, if you’re driving down the road and your tire goes flat. You might consider that a really bad thing… Maybe you’re late for work, and driving through a rough neighborhood. Maybe you don’t have a spare or a jack. And maybe your AAA coverage ran out last month and you forgot to renew. What if you also forgot your phone and feel very stranded? What would that look like? Would that take it from bad to worse?
Now, what if you get that flat tire and it makes you pull over? And does your perception change when you realize that, because you pulled over, you missed a 30-car pileup on the highway you were about to turn onto? Was the flat tire then a miracle, or a blessing? This is the power of the silver lining. It helps you turn frustrating things that seem like they’ve destroyed your entire day, into great things. All it requires is for you to shift your perspective and reconsider the way you feel about a situation.
The silver lining is only perceived.
The problem with the silver lining is that it is only powerful to those who perceive it. Which means if you’re going through a hellish storm of mishaps… it may be hard to “see” the silver lining on the other side of the storm clouds, wind, and rain. The relief and positive thinking that comes from optimism is sometimes lost when someone is in the thick of hurting. That’s why YOUR faith that something good will come out of the situation isn’t helpful for someone who doesn’t believe in the things you do.
It’s also why “blind optimism” is so frustrating for people who are really having a hard time. It can come off as disengenuous, or as the optimist ignoring the real problems in front of them. It can be perceived as gas lighting or invalidation. Blind faith in the universe, when it seems like everything is always going wrong, will turn someone’s stomach when they’re seeking help.
Just ask what someone needs.
One thing I really want to call out is how, when someone is seeking help, even their search for help could be YOUR perspective. What I mean is that if someone comes to you to talk about something, they may not be seeking help, but instead, they just want to talk about things. Many times, people can solve their own issues with a great sounding board and the ability to just talk things through.
When someone comes to you the best call is to ask if they need you to help or if they need you to just listen. This has been a game changer in my own relationships because I know when people come to me, my first instinct is to try to help. I was raised managing other people’s emotions and being mindful of how I walked through life. I don’t think I’m alone in that. So many people think that they have to solve the problems of someone else, or worse, that they’re the ones at fault for them (which causes defensiveness). But the truth is, sometimes they just need to feel like they’ve been heard.
Try this question, “Do you need to vent, to commiserate, or help to find a solution?”
What to do if someone wants to be heard
Ask “Do you need to be heard, or do you need me to help?” If they tell you they need to be heard, it can seem like that’s an easy task, but in today’s world, it’s not. With so many distractions and worries, it’s easy to seem like we’re listening when we really aren’t. Providing space for someone really means a deep state of listening and attempting to understand. It means putting away distractions, clearing your calendar, and putting your worries on hold so you can hear this person.
Listening also means asking questions so that you can understand. When someone says that they want to be heard, it doesn’t just mean they want someone to listen to them as background noise, it means they want someone to understand them. Hearing someone’s message, and hearing them speak are two very different things. We call this “active listening.” It means being fully present and in the moment so that you can listen fully and listen to comprehend.
What if you can’t eliminate distractions so that you can be fully present?
I want to call out that no one person can be “on” at all times. You can’t be a sounding board for everyone, every minute of the day. If you can, I want to kindly request that you go into a profession where you are listening (producer, counselor, add reviewer, audiobook critic, composer, band director, etc). The world needs more listeners FOR SURE. If you’re like 99% of the population, you have a few essential and basic needs that you need to consider. Needs like sleep, time to think, time to express yourself, moments of emotional processing, and time to deal with life in general.
So, when the situation occurs that someone has requested your ear, but you are not sure you can offer that to them without distractions (whether physical, mental, emotional, or anything else), it’s important that you are honest about that. When someone comes to you for an ear, it may seem counterintuitive or rude to tell someone you can’t listen, but I promise that it’s more respectful than pretending to listen when you aren’t able to actually listen. And of course, there is a way to tell them that isn’t rude. “I don’t have time for this” may be truthful, but it’s dismissive and hurtful.
So, how do you tell them you can’t listen?
My biggest rule of thumb is always expressing to them how important they are to me and why I can’t listen. The way I respond to friends and family when they need my attention, but it’s not a good moment for me, sounds something like this:
“I really want to listen to you. It is important to me that you know that you are important. I am really distracted with something right now and I need some time to take care of this. When I’m done, I can be more present and aware. Then I can give you my undivided attention.”
The other thing I do here is ensuring that I suggest some time to follow up “Give me 5 minutes, and I’m all yours.” or “Can we talk this afternoon when work is over and I can disconnect?” This lets them know that you aren’t just brushing them off, but that they really ARE important to you. However, that only goes so far as your follow up, so ensure that you actually follow up with them.
Don’t Project Emotional Judgment
Above all else, be honest with them and yourself about what you’re experiencing. If what you’re experiencing is more complex than just a timing or distraction issue. “That topic brings up a lot of heavy emotions for me,” or “That topic makes me really uncomfortable. I really want to listen to what you have to say and to better understand your perspective, but I need some time to process what I’m feeling. Can I get back to you tomorrow?” If you feel like you may be judged by stating that, You aren’t alone. Practice vulnerability and honesty though, they are key to a sucessful relationship and the ability to be empathetic.
Sharing your own needs will help someone to understand your boundaries and needs better. It will also offer a better perspective for them so they understand that you care. You may even simply need to say, “What you said gives me a lot to think about, I am experiencing some strong emotions too, I’d like to take a little bit to process what you’ve said before I respond.” Lastly, tackling this difficult conversation will give them permission to do the same. I am a huge advocate of leading by example when it comes to emotional and mental healing.
The problem with the judgment of emotions
The biggest thing I want to clear up here is that hearing someone through your lens is NOT the same thing as hearing them from a place of non-judgment. If someone comes to you to share how they’re feeling, or what they’re experiencing… It’s important to remember that what they’re sharing is THEIRS, and not necessarily YOURS. Sometimes it’s hard not to hear from your perspective. It is hard to do that for a few different reasons, like how we were taught to respond.
Some people are taught to have an answer for everything, or conversely, to never have an answer. Other people were taught that they needed to manage someone else’s emotions, or to sacrifice their own to help those they care for. For generations we conditioned people, and continue to condition people, to understand “good” emotions and “bad” emotions. So, the way that I’ve had to overcome this was to recognize when I am experiencing an emotion because of what someone has said. That’s the first step is recognizing that I’m feeling anything at all. What is slightly more difficult is suspending the analysis that comes after the observation. Holding your thoughts and beliefs, and hearing from their perspective.
The Time and place for dialogue
Communication is key. Sometimes people will need to be heard when they have a challenge with something that involves you. When that happens, it can also be difficult not to get defensive. Really working to communicate your emotions and needs with “I Statements” is key in these situations, and clarifying with the other person (and yourself) that while you feel a certain way, you don’t need them to manage that emotion, just to respect that. However, the time for this is after you’ve truly heard them and given them validation for their experience.
You don’t have to understand their experience for it to be their experience. When you’re having highly emotional conversations, or it feels like the emotions during a conversation are heavy, it’s important to place that emotion on “hold” and gather more information. Truly hearing someone often means giving them space to share and yourself time to process what they’ve said before you respond.
Good Dialogue comes without Emotional Judgment
Dialogue is an important tool when you’re listening. Because Dialogue, when done properly, allows space for words to hang in the air without the need to respond, validate, or fix the other person’s problem. Dialogue is a
I’ve been attending dialogue sessions with one of my community partners. She holds them monthly, and they’re free. You can follow her account on Eventbrite to get more information about her and the upcoming dialogue calls. These calls have been helpful for me as I’ve been trying to work through the different needs that I have when holding space for others, as well as requesting that others hold space for me. The calls are powerful reminders of how communication is much more than just two people talking.
What if someone needs you to lift them up?
One of the reasons that I ask someone if they need help or if they just need to be heard is because I like to help people. So I can get really stuck on trying to help people who didn’t want help to begin with. That’s frustrating for both of us, and it saves strain on relationships to simply ask that question. I’m not always good at that, though. Some people think they want to be heard, but once they feel heard, they may want a solution. So, it’s helpful to also know how to help someone if they’re needing a solution to an issue.
Helpful ways to reframe emotional judgment
I’m a big believer in the method of reframing to lift others up. Sometimes the issue is that there isn’t an issue, and it’s really a mindset challenge or a lack of confidence. So, many people revert to some of those old ways of thinking, like “It will all be okay because everything happens for a reason.” As I said before, this is frustrating for the person receiving it because it’s not a solution that’s actionable, even if it’s the truth, and it FEELS defensive, even if it’s not. It’s one thing to have blind faith that everything will be okay; it’s a whole other thing to be able to share evidence, perspective, or truly encouraging words.
I encourage people to use the method that I call “The Reframe.” It’s incredibly helpful in also giving people a way to find answers and solutions of their own. This works a lot like listening to understand. For me, this is really about asking questions that help them to reframe the way they’re thinking. Understanding how people are working through their thought processes requires that you ask good questions that give you a great amount of detail about their thoughts or situations.
What does it look like to reframe?
This might happen in conversations with me when a friend calls me to tell me about some concerns they have in their workplace. Maybe their boss said something that made them think that they would be in trouble. Or their boss thought they could be doing better. I may ask questions like “What makes you think that?” or “Did they say that?” Sometimes I’ll ask for more clarity around the conversation or how they’re feeling. Then I ask if they’d like me to tell them what I might be thinking if I were to ask something like that.
Another way that my friends will experience this with me is when they call to tell me that they’re experiencing negative thoughts about themselves or that they’re experiencing self-doubt, which is a whole battle in and of itself. This might look like “Hey Steph, I had this situation happen and I’m feeling like I’m a bad person, am I a bad person?” Of course, your answer to that is no, I don’t think you’re a bad person. Well, I guess depending on this situation, you might, but most of my friends, that’s not something I experienced with them.
When you were feeling like a bad person, and someone told you that you weren’t, did you believe them? If you did believe them, did it change the way you felt about the situation? In my experience, my inner critic would often tell me that “Of course your friends are going to tell you that, they love you.” I could dive into all of how that makes no sense in some scenarios, but I’ll save that for a future post.
Reframing for our own emotional judgment
The questions I might ask if someone is battling their inner critic are questions about why they feel a certain way, or why they think that they’re not good enough. They might also be about whatever other insecurity or critique that they’re having. I may also ask them if what they are audibly sharing is the truth or if it’s something else. That’s always an important distinction because of the fact that our inner critic likes to lie to us.
Additionally, if they feel that the inner critic is justified, then we might work on how we can feel more confident in the future. Lastly, it may be important for someone to just be in the emotion. Emotions like Grief, Shame, Anger, Regret – they are all so powerful, and sometimes the only way to get past them is to move THROUGH them. What I mean by that is the ability to sit WITH the emotions. So, in that situation the conversation may look a bit different. It might look like a question around “Is this coming from an emotion that we need to just sit with and give ourselves permission to feel, and permission to experience?”
How I can help with emotional judgment
That said, this can be an incredibly powerful and sometimes disruptive experience as well. That’s why I recently started offering a 4-hour deep dive healing session. This offers my clients an opportunity to experience a deep dive session around an inner belief. During this time we peel back several layers and help you to tune into your somatic responses. We also work on ways to refute your inner critic and to accept the true things. However, we do this from a place of observation rather than judgment. If that is something that you’d like to explore, I invite you to visit https://tidycal.com/anotherperspective to book. If we’ve never met before, please feel free to explore the connection call or new client strategy session first. I believe that being comfortable with your guide is important to the success of the session.
Also, if you’re from Wautoma, I invite you to check my services page.
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